Make Monday suck less, share these…
20 Witty Status Updates:
- That awkward moment when you overhear a joke in someone else’s conversation and accidentally laugh out loud.
- People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
- Sleeping is nice. You forget about everything for a little while.
- I’m tired of things costing money.
- Yes, I’d love to hear about the dream you had last night! My favorite stories are the ones that don’t make sense, and also never happened.
- Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
- If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
- Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.
- A cop stopped me & said “license please” so I offered him a donut & said “I donut have one” & we laughed & laughed & I’m arrested.
- When someone spends five minutes reassuring you they won’t get emotionally attached to you: Abort Mission.
- I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
- Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired..
- If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
- You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
- When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
- Some of you people are raising the next generation of human beings. Scary stuff.
- Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
- I think falling in/being in/falling out of love has been pretty well documented. Why aren’t there more songs about being hungry?
- You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That’s a ghost finishing sex with you.
- If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be…if it doesn’t come back it was never yours to begin with. BUT, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats all of your food, uses your phone, takes your money and doesn’t appear to realize you set it free…you either married it or gave birth to it!
Couldn’t agree more.
Cat Fishing for a Cat…
They have their play routine down. Please feel free to share if you’d like.