Brain is Stupid, Bass Kid, & 20 Silly Status Updates

Editorial Team

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Get over hump day, share one of these..

20 Silly Status Updates:

Home. Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Unless you tripped and smacked your face on the treadmill, no one wants to hear about your workout.
I’ve got 99 problems and my inability to self motivate is causing every single one of them.
I wish I could afford the taste I have.
Teacher: *hands me a worksheet*
Me: *autographs it and hands it back* always happy to meet a fan
My idea of flirting is being as sarcastic as humanly possible and seeing if you can handle it.
That awkward moment when your friend is getting yelled at by their parents, so you just sit there and look at your phone in silence.
There’s nothing like feeling fat to make you want to PIZZA.
It’s okay that this is my 5th cup of coffee, right??
Based on how much I love my dog, I’ve realized I’m going to be one of “those” parents.
Hand sanitizer = cut finder
Coffee and mascara do magical things.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one’s for you.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
Calm the f*ck down, different flavored Oreos. Nobody wants to make that kind of decision. Regular or Double stuff was hard enough.
Shit’s spiraling out of control and I’m all like “wheeeee.”
So many feelings fit in just one sigh.