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- Home is where you can say anything you like ’cause nobody listens to you anyway. (From our amazingly funny: ★★★★★ iPhone App ★★★★★)
- I hate when I gently toss my phone onto my bed and it decides to ricochet off 3 walls, knock over my lamp, and hit a cat.
- Lazy rule #1: If it’s more than five feet away, It basically becomes unnecessary…
- Protect your bagels. Put lox on them.
- A slug is just a snail with a housing problem.
- Those days when you’re like, “Touch me and you’ll die.”
- All I really want is to be understood. That’s why I’m yelling.
- I dont hang my leg off of the bed, I’m scared a monster will grab it.
- In the battle between you and the world, bet on the world.
- I liked you when we first met, but now you’ve talked me out of it.
- The awkward moment when you have crunchy food in a room full of silent people. (156+Likes in 6 minutes – Source: Funny Status Update Fan Page)
- The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
- I used to use expensive, illegal substances to blur the lines of reality. Now, I just take off my glasses.
- You are not a photographer…..You just have an overpriced camera.
- lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
- If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.
- Cashiers are always checking me out…
- I could be writing the most boring text ever, but the minute you look over my shoulder, that text becomes TOP secret.
- Dear clever comeback, can you come BEFORE the argument is over. Thanks! (VIA Twitter: @FreeFunnyStuff )
- I think if my phone were to say “I’m dying” with a sad face I would rush faster to the charger..
The naughty monkey…
That mischievous monkey needs to stop that! Post this LIKEable video to your FB wall!
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