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Hilarious Facebook Status Updates:
- Was visited by 3 spirits last night. Vodka, rum and gin.
- “That’s nice dear.” -Grandmas version of “cool story bro.”
- I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!
- To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
- Some people are about as useful as the first “r” in February.
- That feeling when you’re dying to text that person.
- A bra is, a booby trap.
- Hoodies really go well with your depression.
- I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
- The greatest Oak was once a little nut who held its ground.
- I’m starting to think I’ll never be old enough to know better.
- Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
- I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work.
- Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
- You should be able to see who you would be sitting next to while you’re booking your flight. LIKE if you agree.
- I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them..
- Pajama Jeans: So comfortable you could sleep in them. So ugly that you’ll do it alone.
- Ghetto word of the day: Cologne – “Ay, you think you cologne me a dollar?”
- I’ve taken my christmas lights down various ways, and by far the most efficient is to tie one end to your bumper and drive around the block.
- Kids toys should come with better warning labels, like, “LOUD AS HELL” and “NO OFF SWITCH” and “REQUIRES 217 BATTERIES.”
- Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Smart Dog, looks the part…
He’s just a working class pup.
Best Gift Reaction, Ever?
That was so touching. Seems like a genuinely awesome dad, I’m sure he deserves that awesome gift. Share this touching video before it goes viral.