Get over hump day, share one of these..
Wednesday’s Top 20 Status Updates:
- Fear the man wearing velcro strapped sandals, for he has nothing left to lose.
- It’s amazing how 3 minutes with the wrong person feels like an eternity, yet 3 hours with the right one, feels like only a moment.
- How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
- You had me at 0 mutual friends.
- If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
- My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said “can you hear me?”
- Relationship status:
Sleeping in my bed diagonally.
- If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
- In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
- Creepy: People who request middle seats on airplanes.
- You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
- No matter how smart you think you are, there’s always gonna be a little British kid who sounds way smarter than you when they speak.
- People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
- My therapist thinks I have a God complex. How dare he say that unto me.
- Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
- Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make shit happen.
- If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
- You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
- At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
- A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Cute Cat Begging..
I would give him whatever he wants. Just look at him!