Waking Up, Roommate Surprise, and 20 Awesome Facebook Status Updates

Editorial Team

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Help a friend smile, share one of these…

20 Awesome Facebook Status Updates:

You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
Wine. Pairs well with turkey and difficult relatives.
Exercise? Oh, I thought you said extra fries!
Wine-drunk is the only acceptable weeknight drunk.
The snuggle is real.
*No life November*
*Don’t go out December*
*Just stay in January*
The older I get, the more understandable Britney’s meltdown seems to me.
Date someone who spoils you, always says how beautiful you are, and never thinks you’ve had enough to eat…
Date your grandma
If I send a birthday text, don’t expect a birthday Facebook post, too, you greedy birthday brat.
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
I bought a rug from IKEA that ended up being just a needle and 50 lbs. of thread.
*interacts with people*
*has to take a four hour nap*
I can definitely imagine you as a tiny helpless baby. Mainly because you do such a good job of being a large helpless man.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
People who weigh their produce. What’s it like to have all the time in the world?
If kindness really kills, you’ll always be completely safe around me.
Holy shit Karma, how much longer till we’re all squared up?
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently