Unimpressed Puppy, Terrible Toaster, and Uplifting Status Posts

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Uplifting & Hilarious Status Posts:

  1. FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
  2. That was actually pretty funny. But, I don’t like you. Therefore, I will not laugh.
  3. Bacon is like a high-five for your mouth.
  4. When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave life wondering how you did it.
  5. I’m not good at math, but I’m good at calculating how much discount I can get when I go shopping.
  6. Figuring yourself out is a lifelong project.
  7. No thanks, I’m allergic to selfish.
  8. I rub shampoo in my eyes every morning to prepare for the pain of the day.
  9. French toast is just regular toast that smokes cigarettes and has a tiny mustache.
  10. When life knocks me down, instead of getting back up, I usually just lie there and take a nap.
  11. Don’t be a dick. Just be nice. It’s that easy.
  12. When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
  13. The older you get, the more likely you are to have a tissue or a bandaid when somebody needs one.
  14. I hate waiting for someone to illegally upload so I can illegally download.
  15. Off to hit the treadmill. If it doesn’t break or hit me back, I may even walk or run on it.
  16. I hate when I look in the mirror and see an adult.
  17. The irony of social media is that the majority of users are all alone.
  18. It’s recycling day and based on the bin I just put out, there’s a fraternity that I don’t know about living somewhere in my house.
  19. There’s nothing worse than accidentally stepping in water with your socks on.
  20. We have all experienced the pain of watching a slow typer.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Puppy is not Impressed…

unimpressed puppy

Puppy would also appreciate a push, if you wouldn’t mind.

Terrible Toaster…


That’s hypnotically awful.

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