Unicycling Darth Vader, Parenting Controversy, and 20 Really Good Status Updates

Make your Thursday fun, Share these…

20 Really Good Status Updates:

  1. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
  2. I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
  3. Yes acupuncture is an “ancient technique.” Other “ancient techniques” included leeches and dying from plague. I’m good with drugs thanks.
  4. Ha = I didn’t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
  5. If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
  6. Scroll back to your oldest text conversation and write “sounds good”
  7. Character is the result of two things: mental attitude and the way we spend our time.
  8. I’m in a very committed relationship with Netflix.
  9. Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
  10. Women always check me out. The cashiers at the grocery store are so nice.
  11. There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
  12. 7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
  13. I’m no a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure “He started it,” is a legit defense.
  14. Really? “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?” Um…may I introduce you to pizza?
  15. I’m so confused, I thought the Crip Walk was a marathon for gang members.
  16. When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
  17. Ladies, if your Facebook status is “It’s Complicated” it’s really not. It’s simple, you have a shitty boyfriend, and you’re co-dependent.
  18. Being real is like being a lady…if you have to tell people you are…you aren’t.
  19. Your dependence on oxygen is where our similarities end.
  20. I don’t even know how to spell anymore. I type the 1st half of the word and wait for auto correct to do the rest.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Unicycling Darth Vader…

The flames were a nice touch. Welcome to the dark side of bagpiping.

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