Ultimate Selfie, Generous Puppy, and 20 Phenomenal Status Updates

Relax, it’s almost the weekend, share these…

20 Phenomenal Status Updates:

  1. Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
  2. I text back embarrassingly fast or three days later there is no in-between.
  3. There are five types of fear.
    1. terror
    2. panic
    3. 14 missed calls from mom
    4. username or password is incorrect
    5. we need to talk
  4. My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
  5. My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming ‘Help me, Superman. Help me!’ and then I run away, unexplained.
  6. If you have to ask someone “Didn’t you get my text?” that person hates you.
  7. I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
  8. I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me. This is bullshit.
  9. Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me every time it happens.
  10. Move your office desk into the elevator and ask people who get on if they have an appointment.
  11. Hate it when you open the fridge and can’t find what you were looking for; like happiness and perfect abs.
  12. Having a dirty mind makes ordinary conversations much more interesting.
  13. If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
  14. You can do better than you ever thought possible when you stop looking at others progress and be your own competition.
  15. If you see someone using a payphone, there is a 97% chance you can buy drugs from them.
  16. What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?!
  17. I’m really glad we don’t have to hunt our own food anymore…. I don’t even know where sandwiches live.
  18. Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
  19. Pretty sure crosswalk buttons don’t actually work and are only there to make us feel like we have control over our lives.
  20. It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Idiot Gets Kicked in the Head While Taking a “Train” Selfie…

Let this be a lesson to us all. We could use about 98% less selfies (unless you’re an adorable or hot girl).

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