Tough Decisions Kid, Modern Love Life, and Hilarious Status Updates

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ATTENTION: upon further consideration I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
When I have a crush on someone I play it cool. Like really cool. Like I do nothing to show I’m attracted to them. This never works.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
When God made raccoons he was like do you want to be an old timey burglar or a trash digger. Too slow. You’re both now.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn’t pull her weight financially and she’s scared of the vacuum.
Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you’re in.
All I want is to settle down with an extremely wealthy dog.
You can’t make me believe there’s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
Somewhere in America, the 2040 President of the United States just took a selfie.