Thirsty Bird, Caring Father, and Absurd Facebook Statuses

Editorial Team

487

One of these will make you laugh, guaranteed…

20 Absurd Facebook Statuses:

I Put Red Bull in my coffee pot this morning instead of water. Right now, I can see noises.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
When I was little I didn’t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious that my parents didn’t care either.
Ever have a plan for the day, then 4pm rolls around and you’ve achieved literally nothing?
I waved goodbye to normal a long time ago.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
Sometimes those who don’t socialize much aren’t actually anti-social, they just have no tolerance for drama and fake people.
I’m in shape…
Unfortunately that shape is a potato.
“You know what I think they should do in Gaza?” tweeted the man half a world away from the safety and comfort of his reclining chair.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
If you’re looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!!! We can look for it together.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
Apple is the Empire. Android is the Republic. Blackberry is Jar Jar Binks.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I’d pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I’m still alive.