Teaching KittEhs, Total Concentration, and Awesome Status Posts

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20 Awesome Facebook Status Posts:

You only have one childhood, it may as well last your entire life.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for five hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
It takes me 10 seconds to write my text and 3 minutes to pick an emoji that I think goes with it.
You know you’re a bad driver when Siri tells you “after 400 feet stop and let me out”
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
When I was a kid… no wait, I still do that.
Looking for a relationship? Someone sexy, funny, loving and caring? Contact me, we can both talk about how we want this person.
Fact: If you write “I have awful people skills and I’m a horrible person” on a job application you immediately get hired at the DMV
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said ‘yes’ with a big smile. The look on her face quickly changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.
People that don’t lay in bed for 3 hours worrying about random, irrelevant shit every night. What’s that like?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
Yes. Is time travel possible?
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don’t appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don’t even like.