Superman, Cookie Dough, and Sarcastic Status Updates

Make your weekend last longer, share one of these…

20 Sarcastic Facebook Statuses:

  1. All my tupperware is haunted by the ghost of marinara sauce past.
  2. Someone told me I was too pretty to be single so I told them they were too dumb to be giving advice.
  3. My favorite part of cooking is when the delivery guy shows up.
  4. I like to hangout with people that make me forget to look at my phone.
  5. Most stoners seem like they’re not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.
  6. The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
  7. Canada is 50% the letter A.
  8. *takes 50 selfies*
    *deletes 49*
    *stares at that one selfie till it turns ugly*
    *deletes that too*
  9. RIP to my sleep schedule
  10. I wish I were full of tacos instead of emotions.
  11. Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?
  12. Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
  13. I didn’t take a nap. I took a horizontal life pause.
  14. I’m always late because I never put my keys in the same spot. Like, ever.
  15. I don’t understand the saying “you snooze you the lose” ….. I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and I feel like a champ!!!!
  16. Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It’s f*cking delicious.
  17. Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It’s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
  18. Even if women came with directions, you still wouldn’t read them.
  19. Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes – unless he wears those weird toe-shoe things. You may judge that man immediately.
  20. The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Superman is spotted in Costa Rica:

Acting level = 1000. That’s a legit superman.

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