Make your weekend last longer, share one of these…
20 Sarcastic Facebook Statuses:
- All my tupperware is haunted by the ghost of marinara sauce past.
- Someone told me I was too pretty to be single so I told them they were too dumb to be giving advice.
- My favorite part of cooking is when the delivery guy shows up.
- I like to hangout with people that make me forget to look at my phone.
- Most stoners seem like they’re not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.
- The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
- Canada is 50% the letter A.
- *takes 50 selfies*
*stares at that one selfie till it turns ugly*
*deletes that too*
- RIP to my sleep schedule
- I wish I were full of tacos instead of emotions.
- Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?
- Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
- I didn’t take a nap. I took a horizontal life pause.
- I’m always late because I never put my keys in the same spot. Like, ever.
- I don’t understand the saying “you snooze you the lose” ….. I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and I feel like a champ!!!!
- Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It’s f*cking delicious.
- Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It’s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
- Even if women came with directions, you still wouldn’t read them.
- Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes – unless he wears those weird toe-shoe things. You may judge that man immediately.
- The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
Superman is spotted in Costa Rica:
Acting level = 1000. That’s a legit superman.