Step your status game up, share these…
20 Witty Status Updates:
- I love sleep so much, it’s the first thing I want to do when I wake up.
- I’ve got bad news:
Today is not Friday,
Tomorrow is not Friday,
Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday. (Cry)
- People say circumcision doesn’t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.
- No matter what life hands you, DON’T put it in a fanny pack.
- Changing my car horn to scream “GO MOFO”
- My first act as ruler of the universe would be changing the week to: Sunday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday.
- Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
- There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
- At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
- If I haven’t said something vulgar to you then we probably aren’t good friends.
- That awkward moment when people are singing “Happy Birthday” to you and you don’t know where to look.
- “Check that shit out”luckily rarely refers to actual shit.
- “And they lived happily ever after” is just another way of saying “they are in denial.”
- I dread to think what the man who’s perfect for me is like.
- I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs.
- The best stalkers stand behind their work.
- I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.
- In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a shitty lock.”
- The faster I run out of things to say, the less I like you.
- Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?
I mean, I’ve seen some good pumpkins this Halloween season but, this one is phenomenal!
Ellen Gives 5 Hilarious Halloween Costume Ideas…
That Daft Pumpkin kid stole the show! Remember folks – If you liked it, share it 🙂