Squirrel Hiding Spot, Kids These Days, and 20 Crazy Status Updates

Make your Monday suck less, share these…

20 Crazy Status Updates for Facebook:

  1. I’m not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
  2. Stop crying. You asked what I thought of your haircut and “macho” is a compliment where I come from, lady.
  3. Nutella: The answer to everything in life.
  4. My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine’s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
  5. Every time I burn dinner the fire alarm goes off and lets everyone in the neighborhood know. It’s such an invasion of privacy.
  6. normal person:
    -sings lyrics
    me:
    -sings lyrics
    -sings backup vocals
    -sings guitar riffs
    -plays air drum the entire song
    -head-bangs
  7. Shower = The place of thoughts and decision making.
  8. You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
  9. When I was a kid, Cheerios only came in one flavor… and it was Cheerios flavor.
  10. Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are “your house keys” and “your house.” Well, son, that’s what drinking is like.
  11. I’m in no hurry to get married, but the opportunities to eat cake with a tiny me on top are few and far between.
  12. I packed a lunch for myself for the first time in awhile. As I sit here at 9:30 am eating it, I wonder what it’s like to have self control.
  13. I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
  14. Hiding peoples status’ on your news feed is the best way of sayin’ you’re annoying but I don’t wanna delete you because you’ll probably notice.
  15. Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
  16. I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at me, it’s very distracting.
  17. Light switches that flip up for off should be banned.
  18. What I meant to text: ‘sweety pie’. What I actually texted: ‘sweaty pig’. Proofreading: it can save relationships.
  19. I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
  20. Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Squirrel Hides Nut In Dog…

I’d love to see that video with some voiceovers… internet, get on that!

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