Shoot To Turn Off, 20 Funny Statuses, Whisper Wilson

Shoot To Turn Off Storm Trooper Clock

i-havent-slept-for-days

20 Funny Statuses Worth Sharing:

  1. I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
  2. Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
  3. Sometimes I don’t even know if I’m kidding.
  4. I once took a guy to Starbucks because I forgot his name
  5. One of us has to be the mature one and I vote for not me.
  6. Whats my favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills
  7. I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
  8. Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
  9. Push your boundaries or settle for your limitations.
  10. Some days “solitary confinement” sounds more like paradise than like punishment.
  11. “Missy Eliot came on and I started to sit back flip and reverse it” me explaining to my chiropractor how I threw my back out.
  12. The cops knocked on my door and asked me where I was between 5 and 6….I told them kindergarten
  13. How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’? Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
  14. There are a lot of things I haven’t done because I don’t think I’d look good in prison stripes.
  15. Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
  16. You never cross my mind. You just stay there all the time.
  17. I feel like when life gives me lemons I just give them back because I hate holding stuff.
  18. Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
  19. What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
  20. I never finish anyth…

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