Shark Socks, Ghetto Ice Cream Man, and 20 Brilliant Status Updates

Editorial Team

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Get your Tuesday going, share one of these…

20 Brilliant Facebook Statuses:

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
I see 2007 and think “oh 3 years ago” and then it hits me that it was 7 f**king years ago
Buy me food and laugh at my jokes and I’ll love you forever.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
When people ask me Plz because it’s shorter than please, I tell them no because it’s shorter than yes.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
As long as you have hope, anything can happen.
People who remote lock their car 2 times seriously have trust issues. Personally, I do it 3 times but that’s just my OCD.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
Every time I see a math problem it looks like this: If you have 10 ice cubes and 11 apples how many pancakes will fit on the roof? Answer: Purple because monkeys don’t wear hats.
The true test of any loving relationship is having two phones and only one functioning charger.
My passive aggressive way of telling my roommate to stop eating my food is putting up “missing” posters around our apartment with a picture of my sandwich on it.
You’d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
I want to put my headphones in and disappear for a few weeks.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.