Shark Attack, Kids These Days, and Smart Status Posts

Start your week off right, share one of these…

Smart Facebook Status Posts:

  1. You know you’re getting old when your favorite kind of plans are canceled plans!
  2. I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
  3. Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
  4. The only time I put my phone down is when it rings.
  5. Must be lonely over there on “I’m offended by jokes” island.
  6. You’ve got roughly .003 seconds after the cashier gives you your change to clear out before the person behind you wants to set you on fire
  7. There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
  8. So when the zombie apocalypse finally happens, I’m moving to Washington D.C. I figure the lack of brains there will keep the undead masses away.
  9. My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
  10. Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
  11. Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.
  12. The happiness of your life…depends on the quality of your thoughts.
  13. Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up too…unless you are in jail.
  14. I don’t care if it’s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I’m 97% more likely to participate.
  15. The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird shit.
  16. Always remember the three R’s of life: 1) Respect for yourself 2) Respect for others 3) Radiation gives you superpowers
  17. It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
  18. Usually relationships end when people get tired of pretending to be the person their partner likes.
  19. Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
  20. Facebook Status: I’m so tired of people being bitchy to me. You know who you are! Translation: Actually confronting the person who is giving me problems is way too courageous for me to do, so I’m going to passively-aggressively broadcast my problems to the public who mostly likely do not give a damn about my problems.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Large Hammerhead Shark Near Miss:

When someone tells you SHARK you gtfo of the water! Their reaction when they finally realize is priceless.

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