Selfie Struggle, Broccoli Refusal, and 20 Priceless Facebook Statuses

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20 Priceless Facebook Statuses:

  1. Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
  2. Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
  3. All the popular baby names you hate while pregnant will be the names of your child’s friends and classmates.
  4. We should all run 6k instead of 5k so we can find the cure for cancer faster.
  5. Every-time I decide to give up caffeine, I take a sip of coffee, tea and Diet Coke and think, “hmm better not!”
  6. Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
  7. If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
  8. Nothing like working in the real world to make you lose all faith in human intelligence.
  9. Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
  10. I have been on Facebook a little over two years now. I think it’s time I tried to stand up and see if my legs still work.
  11. How much for the puzzle with one billion pieces and no picture to reference? “Sir, that’s a woman.”
  12. I clean my house like everyone else. Completely. 5 minutes before someone comes over.
  13. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
  14. Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
  15. 2014: single
    2015: single
    Consistency is key guys
  16. Will say this of squirrels, they seize the f*cking day.
  17. My crush just liked my selfie. I know that’s a really annoying sentence but f*ck you it made me do a cartwheel.
  18. Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
  19. At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
  20. Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

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Cutest Broccoli Refusal Ever:

I know how you feel, mr. rodent.  I too can’t stand the broccoli. You just refused it in such an elegant way.

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