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20 Priceless Facebook Statuses:
- Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
- Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
- All the popular baby names you hate while pregnant will be the names of your child’s friends and classmates.
- We should all run 6k instead of 5k so we can find the cure for cancer faster.
- Every-time I decide to give up caffeine, I take a sip of coffee, tea and Diet Coke and think, “hmm better not!”
- Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
- If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
- Nothing like working in the real world to make you lose all faith in human intelligence.
- Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
- I have been on Facebook a little over two years now. I think it’s time I tried to stand up and see if my legs still work.
- How much for the puzzle with one billion pieces and no picture to reference? “Sir, that’s a woman.”
- I clean my house like everyone else. Completely. 5 minutes before someone comes over.
- A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
- Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
- 2014: single
Consistency is key guys
- Will say this of squirrels, they seize the f*cking day.
- My crush just liked my selfie. I know that’s a really annoying sentence but f*ck you it made me do a cartwheel.
- Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
- At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
- Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Cutest Broccoli Refusal Ever:
I know how you feel, mr. rodent. I too can’t stand the broccoli. You just refused it in such an elegant way.