Facebook Status Updates

Sad Cat Diaries, Splitting Legos, & Silly Statuses

FunnyStatus Team

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Silly Statuses:

I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
Laughter is the best medicine…unless you have diarrhea.
Asking how my work day went is like asking how a drive-by-shooting went…I’m just lucky I got out alive.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
Pizza doesn’t ask silly questions.
Pizza understands.
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
I want someone who is equal parts weird and sexy.
The time it takes our sun to orbit the center of the Milky Way is called a “Galactic Year” and is ~225 million Earth years. By that definition, dinosaurs went extinct last year, our sun is an adult at 18.4 years old, and the Big Bang happened just 61 years ago.
One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad.
I’m not sure how long “a bit” is
Sir, unless you can ride your bike at 50 mph, move your ass into the bike lane.
You complete me. Which makes me a complete idiot.
Texting someone when you are half asleep then reading your text in the morning and realizing it makes no sense.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
Business Idea: Minding your own.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
Don’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes – unless he wears those weird toe-shoe things. You may judge that man immediately.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
It’s actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she’s not around to have it.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last year but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.