Sorry I’m Late, Rocket Launcher, and Laughable Facebook Status Updates

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Make someones day, share one of these…

I need a caffeine IV.
Awkward people are really sexy. They stumble, apologize, know obscure facts, and say all the wrong things. Just trying to sell myself here.
Six more weeks of complaining about Winter until we start complaining about the heat.
I want to act out one of the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey… like when she got a job right after college.
Axe Body Spray is the smell of a bad Tinder date.
Target employees do not have prizes for you no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
How many calories are in 4 boxes of Girl Scout cookies? ..Asking for a friend.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
If you’re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
Do Me: a favor.
That awkward moment when you see your ex on tinder and swipe right.
Is there a scholarship for trying?
You are hotter than Sriracha. #BeMyValentine
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
I’m confident but not old dude in the gym changing room confident.
Is there an app to delete your number out of other people’s phones yet?
I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.