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Top 20 Hilarious Status Posts:
- If you don’t turn up for something you’ll turn down for anything.
- Did Bruno Mars end up catching that grenade? I haven’t heard from him in awhile…..
- Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.
- If you don’t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn’t get your money’s worth.
- Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
- Just finished at Walmart and McDonald’s. On my way to visit a family member in prison to complete the trifecta.
- 1 new message: runs for phone, jumps over sofa, runs a marathon, swims Atlantic ocean, pushes mom out the way. grabs phone….”k”
- The best part about legalizing marijuana would be not having to listen to anyone else explain to me why we should legalize marijuana.
- My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It’s our sixth season together.
- It’s almost 2015, why don’t we have hoverboards yet?” he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything.
- Marriage is like the IKEA of relationships. Easy to walk into, confusing to piece together and difficult to exit.
- I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
- For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
- Sometimes you may face difficulties in life, not because you are doing something wrong but because you are doing something right.
- I wonder if hundreds of years from now civilizations will look at our emojis how we look at Egyptian hieroglyphics.
- “Dude shit’s fucked up with Syria.” “Yeah. I hope she performs better in iPhone 6.” I have stupid, really stupid friends.
- Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
- Think of a number. Double it. Add eight. Half it. Minus the number you started with. Close your eyes…. It’s dark, isn’t it?
- I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
- Universal Fact: Your Girlfriend Misses You The Most When You’re Partying With Your Friends.
Would You Have Sex with Paul Rudd?
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