Paul Rudd Sexytime, Pet Signs, and Hilarious Status Posts.

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Top 20 Hilarious Status Posts:

  1. If you don’t turn up for something you’ll turn down for anything.
  2. Did Bruno Mars end up catching that grenade? I haven’t heard from him in awhile…..
  3. Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.
  4. If you don’t leave a buffet looking like someone told you bad news you didn’t get your money’s worth.
  5. Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
  6. Just finished at Walmart and McDonald’s. On my way to visit a family member in prison to complete the trifecta.
  7. 1 new message: runs for phone, jumps over sofa, runs a marathon, swims Atlantic ocean, pushes mom out the way. grabs phone….”k”
  8. The best part about legalizing marijuana would be not having to listen to anyone else explain to me why we should legalize marijuana.
  9. My girlfriend just said that I put sports before our relationship. Bullshit. It’s our sixth season together.
  10. It’s almost 2015, why don’t we have hoverboards yet?” he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything.
  11. Marriage is like the IKEA of relationships. Easy to walk into, confusing to piece together and difficult to exit.
  12. I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
  13. For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
  14. Sometimes you may face difficulties in life, not because you are doing something wrong but because you are doing something right.
  15. I wonder if hundreds of years from now civilizations will look at our emojis how we look at Egyptian hieroglyphics.
  16. “Dude shit’s fucked up with Syria.” “Yeah. I hope she performs better in iPhone 6.” I have stupid, really stupid friends.
  17. Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
  18. Think of a number. Double it. Add eight. Half it. Minus the number you started with. Close your eyes…. It’s dark, isn’t it?
  19. I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
  20. Universal Fact: Your Girlfriend Misses You The Most When You’re Partying With Your Friends.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Would You Have Sex with Paul Rudd?

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