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Brilliantly Funny Status Updates:
- My car doubles in value when I fill my gas tank up.
- I don’t understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.
- Please create a password. Your password must contain a capital letter, a number, an emoji, 8 elements from the periodic table and a plot containing a protagonist with some character development and a twist ending.
- It’s hard to be humble when your good at everything.
- It’s alarming that I took all my career advice from someone who thought it would be a good idea to go to college to be a guidance counselor.
- Facebook keeps asking me “What’s happening?” “What are you thinking?” Like it’s caught me standing in the doorway to it’s bedroom in the middle of the night with a raincoat on and an axe in my hands.
- The number of times you say “Don’t judge me” is directly proportional to the amount of things you do that you know are wrong.
- You’ll never see me on Hoarders because I can’t afford that much crap. In fact, that’s my #1 question watching the show… where do they get the money for this shit?
- Today is Compliment Someone Randomly Day. And may I just say that this paper bag would go beautifully with that outfit you’re wearing.
- It’s not a typo if you don’t actually know how to spell the word.
- When someone catches me staring at them, I’m a pro at quickly squinting and pretending that I’m looking at something behind them.
- If someone says “I love you,” and you don’t feel the same way, say “I love Youtube” really fast.
- Some of the best and worst lies I’ve ever told are excuses for why I’m late.
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
- I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
- Drama is coming at me like an ex-girlfriend I didn’t know was at the party.
- Dear websites asking for my age, I’m going to select born in 2013. Sincerely, why is that even an option?
- Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
- Love is a lot like magic, both are fake and there’s always some asshole trying to ruin the illusion for you.
- “Internet pretty” – angled profile photos that disguise the ugly truth.
Have you ever seen a Long Neck Turtle before?
Now you have! Also known as a Turaffe. You really have to click and share that one to really appreciate him. Apparently his name is Clyde and he’s awesome! [source: imgur]
84 year-old man Plays Video Games:
First of all, we can all only hope to be lucky enough to be 84. Second, we can be lucky enough to be able to enjoy video games as much as that AWESOME Grandfather did 🙂 Props to him for giving Video Games a shot and his awesome reactions.