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Monkey Teaches Human, Yahoo Questions, & LIKE Magnets

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Like-Magnet Status Updates:

When I tell stories about people I dislike, I give them ridiculous voices.
I don’t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
*Gets absolutely nothing done*… Welp time for a break.
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me.
A fact to make you feel old: Monsters Inc. was released 12 years ago.
“Love” and “Like” are totally different, like “your” and “you’re”.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
I like you because our weirdness is compatible.
My socks are excellent at finding the wet spot in my kitchen.
I’ve got this amazing idea that I don’t really understand and have no idea how to explain.
She said “I think we should see other people.” What I heard was “I already have a guy who’s been on reserve for months.”
I would give up drinking but then I’d have no hobbies.
Just downloaded a tanning light app for my phone.
Internet killed the video store.
Do birds get mad when other birds shit in the bird bath? “Dude what the hell?! That is NOT okay! There’s a car RIGHT THERE!”
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
Nothing is more disturbing than sitting on a warm toilet seat.
This guy has worse breath than my dog, and my dog can reach around and lick his own ass.