Monkey and His Puppies, End Call, & 20 Clever Status Updates

Make Monday better, share one of these..

20 Clever Facebook Status Updates:

  1. I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
  2. Never give up on your dreams: keep sleeping.
  3. I’m so stressed to the point where I don’t even feel stressed anymore I’m just waiting for everything to collapse in on itself.
  4. You know those guy friends that you’re “like, actually friends with”? Yeah, they all still want to sleep with you.
  5. Life is like a box of chocolates; an emotional chick can destroy one in under 5 minutes.
  6. When I’m quiet:
    1) tired
    2) don’t have anything to talk about
    3) over-thinking
    4) upset
    5) falling apart
    6) all of the above
  7. Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
  8. What if I told you I could literally cut your phone bill in HALF with an exciting new product called scissors.
  9. Don’t put your implications, based on your misinterpretations, of my thoughts, changing what I said, and what I meant, to what you inferred.
  10. Be stronger than your excuses.
  11. Pour some gluten on me.
  12. If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout “player 3 has entered the game!”
  13. If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
  14. I may not be a perfect person but at least I have never yelled at an employee in a store.
  15. Nothing is ever on fire. fire is on things.
  16. If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
  17. [At job interview]
    Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
    Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
    *hires me instantly
  18. When a child is told to say sorry like they mean it, we are essentially teaching them to fake sincerity.
  19. In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
  20. “Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

I swear it knows when you’re doing this.

Posted by Witty Hilarious and Ridiculously Funny Status Updates on Saturday, March 28, 2015

Monkey & His New Puppies..

That was insanely adorable! Who doesn’t love puppies? Except for cats 😛 Like/share if you enjoyed.

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