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Weekend Status Posts:
- You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
- A good ninja is hard to find.
- My dream job involves traveling to work on a zip-line.
- Plotting ways for Pinky and the Brain to take over the world tonight.
- Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”
- Dear Nickelodeon, how did CatDog poop?
- I like to watch people watch other people.
- Being a responsible adult is seriously messing up my social life.
- These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I’m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
- I walk the streets with a smile on my face while looking up. Just in case the cameras of Google Maps are filming.
- Hey food marketers, “100% natural” means nothing. Cow dung is 100% natural but I’m not eating that. Not without sprinkles or something.
- Give that gal a plunger. Girls just love bringing up old shit!
- That awkward moment when you go for a handshake and they go for a hug.
- I don’t always correct someone’s spelling, but when I do, I google it first so I don’t make an ass out of myself.
- Yelling someone’s name in different voices until they hear you.
- Every time you sit through a commercial recorded by your DVR, you die a little inside.
- Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
- I don’t care about your opinion enough to argue with you about anything.
- When we think with optimism, we experience happiness.
- You always want to look good enough to feel comfortable running into your ex.
If Minecraft Was Real:
ROFL! Want more Minecraft animals, immediately!
Dog Misses Owner (ADORABLE!):
That’s amazing it’s almost as if the dog is telling him all that things that happened while he was gone those 6 months. Animals have great memory and feelings – be good to them, people!