Million Dollar Question, Dog Plays Dead Really Good, and 20 Sly Status Updates for Facebook

Editorial Team

497

Make your Tuesday fun, share one of these…

20 Sly Status Updates for Facebook:

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.
When someone chooses the stall next to me when plenty others are available I tap my foot 3 times and ask, “You got the stuff?”.
The true delight is in the finding out rather than in the knowing.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it? It turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman’s hat.
Life is like toilet paper. You’re either on a roll or taking sh*t from some asshole.
The dying art of knowing when to shut the hell up.
Life is too short for fake butter, fake cheese, or fake people.
It’s not you, I just don’t share food.
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I just don’t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
You know it’s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off – and put some new ones on.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice instead.
I treat people exactly how I want to be treated. I leave them the f*ck alone.
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
When I’m dying, open a YouTube video with an ad before it. That way my final moments feel like they last forever.