Make your Tuesday fun, share one of these…
20 Sly Status Updates for Facebook:
- The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.
- When someone chooses the stall next to me when plenty others are available I tap my foot 3 times and ask, “You got the stuff?”.
- The true delight is in the finding out rather than in the knowing.
- I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
- You know that button in the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it? It turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman’s hat.
- Life is like toilet paper. You’re either on a roll or taking sh*t from some asshole.
- The dying art of knowing when to shut the hell up.
- Life is too short for fake butter, fake cheese, or fake people.
- It’s not you, I just don’t share food.
- A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.
- Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
- I just don’t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
- You know it’s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off – and put some new ones on.
- Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
- When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice instead.
- I treat people exactly how I want to be treated. I leave them the f*ck alone.
- STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
- *driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
- Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
- When I’m dying, open a YouTube video with an ad before it. That way my final moments feel like they last forever.
Dog Plays Dead While Being Picked Up (Really Good):
Wow, that dog has talent! 🙂 soooooo good at that trick. Share if you enjoyed.
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