Men Vs. Women, News Reporting, and Witty Status Updates

Happy Monday, Share these…

Witty Facebook Status Updates:

  1. Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
  2. Roses are red…
    Violets are red..
    Tulips are red…
    Bushes are red…
    Trees are red…
    Oh god my gardens on fire!
  3. PHYSICS: It’s the science where you use extremely long and complicated formulas to explain why a ball rolls
  4. “ok” and “okay” sound different in my head.
  5. Imagine an entire room and it’s all bed.
    No floor, just bed.
    You roll too far to one side?
    Don’t worry, bed’s still there.
    All is bed.
  6. Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
  7. I don’t always stretch, but when I do, I make the baby dinosaur voice.
  8. Sometimes restraining my sarcasm is exhausting.
  9. Of course I don’t hold grudges! I’m a woman, I carry them around in my designer purse everywhere I go.
  10. In order to start my deer breeding business I’m going to need at least 5,000 bucks.
  11. My lemonade contains artificial flavoring. My laundry detergent contains real lemons. Screw everything.
  12. I’m not saying I have a hangover, but I can hear light right now.
  13. Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign of depression.
  14. So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
  15. First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.
  16. When I start to trip and fall, I just turn it into a dance. “Sorry, can’t control the funk.”
  17. I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.
  18. Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
  19. If you’re starting a sentence with “not to sound like a bitch,” guess what you’re going to sound like.
  20. YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Every News Report, EVER…

That pretty well sums it up. Not sure if I can ever watch the news again thanks to that.

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