Facebook Status Updates

Men are Like Dogs, Jurassic KittEhs, and Silly Statuses

Editorial Team

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Get over hump day, share these…

Silly Facebook Statuses:

Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
You don’t know heartbreak until you see the waiter coming to your table with food but then take a sharp turn to a different table.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
When someone asks you, “What’s your f-ing problem?” 94% of the time your problem is the person asking you the question. It’s science.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
I used to forget time with you. Now, I’ll just forget you with time.
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would’ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M’s!
6 am: tired
9 am: tired
11 am: tired
3 pm: tired
5 pm: tired
7 pm: tired
9 pm: tired
bed time: ENNNNEERRGGYY
Scooby Doo taught us that the real monsters are humans.
I hate it when I forget something I really wanted to say.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I’m done picking my nose, I’m gonna smile and wave.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Always be yourself, unless you’re that guy. Don’t be that guy.
When being mature is more important than being right, you are mature.