Make Monday count, share one of these…
Ridiculously Hilarious Funny Status Updates for Facebook:
- As a college student my favorite words are “free” and “cancelled”
- ENTRY-LEVEL JOB OPENING: Minimum 3 years exp. required. Must speak 4 language, have 2 olympic medals, and a reference letter from Barack Obama.
- Can I take a sick day if I’m just sick of work?
- I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
- Peyton Manning always looks like someone is explaining the internet to him.
- I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
- Instagram me like one of your French toasts.
- If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
- Never trust a girl who doesn’t fart. You never know what else she’s holding back from you.
- If you’re ever about to post song lyrics, ask yourself is it worth it? Let me work it. I put my thing down flip it ‘n reverse it.
- If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
- “I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
- The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
- My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
- How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
- TEXTATIONSHIP: a person that texts you all the time but never makes an effort to see you.
- WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
- Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
- “Do what you love” is shitty career advice because mostly what I love is spending time alone and eating breakfast food.
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Dog Sings Along With Adele…
Heart meltingly cute!