Life of a Dog, Put Tailgate Down, and 20 Absurd Facebook Statuses

Happy New Year, Make Someone Smile in 2015…

20 Absurd Facebook Statuses:

  1. After socializing and being nice to people all day it’s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an asshole on the Internet.
  2. If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at someone’s house, I eat a few pieces.
  3. Hookah is just a Hooker from Boston.
  4. My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive and hoping they have more confidence than I do.
  5. *wears pajamas all day*
    *showers at 10:00 pm*
    *changes into new pajamas*
  6. Me: You’re so beautiful when you’re angry. Her: Am I not beautiful all the time? Me: That’s what I said.
  7. I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
  8. Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
  9. It’s not that I don’t want to live in the moment. I just want to live in a different moment.
  10. That awkward moment when you have to get over someone you never even dated.
  11. Am I the only one who feels like christmas didn’t even happen?
  12. I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
  13. The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I’ve decided to start growling.
  14. Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
  15. When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
  16. Most problems can be solved with nudity.
  17. Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
  18. I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be f*cking amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
  19. First World problems: My book ran out of batteries.
  20. If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn’t be called nachos.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

50 Year Old Lifts Refrigerator:


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