Facebook Status Updates

Killer Whale vs. Fisherman, Stuffed Chipmunk, and Weird Status Updates

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Weird Facebook Status Updates:

Girls who say “alot of guys are after me” should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
Do you ever get a weird crush on someone that’s not even attractive but you’re just attracted to them and you don’t know why?
That awkward moment when you check the price tag….. and sadly, go away.
Dear Self, You have an 8 page paper due tomorrow, and its 12:30. Why are you still on Facebook? Think about your future. And who is he putting his arm around? Look at her pictures real quick, is she pretty? Ugh, what is she wearing? Why are there pictures of her with a million different boys, what a slut! Sick, why is he hanging out with her! Well, its 3a.m… that’ll getcha…
Like a good neighbor State Farm is there. But what if you live in the ghetto or have no neighbors? Then what.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with the person in the car next to you.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
The thing about voicemails is don’t.
Don’t make excuses, make improvements.
True ninjas let the microwave hit 0 but don’t let it beep…
Who else dies a little when they see an old person sitting alone in a restaurant?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
How I talk – 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
That awkward moment when you accidentally answer a call you meant to ignore.
I restart the whole song when I miss my favorite part.
Facebook: someone added a photo of you.. Me: crap
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
If the world ran out of caffeine: After going through withdrawls my body would most likely shut down and sleep for a year to make up for all those times I substituted caffeine for sleep.