Facebook Status Updates

Kid Problems, Tailgating, & 20 Excellent Status Updates

Editorial Team

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Make someones day, share one of these..

20 Excellent Facebook Status Updates:

Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Mr. Peanut is an aristocrat who sells dead and dry-roasted members of his own species.
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
That awkward moment when you thought about something really funny, and can’t stop laughing and everyone’s looking at you.
Some of my friends are buying houses. I just purchased wine on credit.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
The messy bun and sweatshirt look works for most girls. For me, it looks like I’ve tried all the drugs.
The more exes you have the more names you don’t have for your future child.
Because of my ex, I’m going to have a tough time ever trusting another woman – me, to the girl at Wendy’s, as I double-check my takeout bag.
Surgeons and snipers need steady hands for the exact opposite reason.
Otters have no friggin’ idea space even exists.
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
AutoCorrect should have options such as “I intend to swear.”, “I have a large lexicon.” and “I regularly use technical words.”
I don’t burn bridges. I just fail to maintain them and let them structurally degrade over time.
Her: I just feel like I’m not being heard. Me: Definitely. Sounds good babe. Her: Are you even listening to me? Me: Thats crazy!
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
I wonder if people who decide to try crack saw a crackhead and thought, yeah that.
People who make really bad decisions are always like “I have the worst luck”
You have a point. It’s just not very sharp.