Gym Junk Food, Proposed Facebook Buttons, & Cute Statuses

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Cute Statuses for Facebook:

  1. I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
  2. When people say “life is short”. What the fuck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that’s longer?
  3. Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
  4. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: ◻ single ◻ in a relationship ◻ married ◻ engaged ◻ divorced ☑ waiting for a miracle
  5. That awkward moment when it’s quiet and you’re eating something crunchy.
  6. So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
  7. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you’re probably a weatherman.
  8. When I was growing up I never knew what I wanted to be, now that I’m older I know that it’s younger.
  9. The first time I got married I thought I was marrying a nymphomaniac. After a few months the nympho left and I was left with the maniac.
  10. I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
  11. Time out. Otters not only sleep holding hands, but have a SPECIAL POCKET to hold their favorite rock? Humans are bullshit.
  12. Hard butter is the devil.
  13. If you watch Beauty and the Beast backwards its about how falling in love will turn you into a monster.
  14. Things are getting pretty serious between us. We haven’t laughed in months.
  15. This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
  16. “It’s complicated” relationship status = someone cheated but we signed a lease.
  17. All the cutest and scariest animals are in Australia. How do you Australians get anything done? So much petting and fending off.
  18. Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
  19. “I wasn’t Bourne yesterday” -Matt Damon, 1st day of shooting The Bourne Identity
  20. That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Eating Junk Food at the Gym…

Could you imagine??? What would you do? Sooooo funny, share if you enjoyed 🙂

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