Guilty Dogs, WebMD, and Intelligent Status Updates

FunnyStatus Team

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Make Monday count, share one of these…

Intelligent Facebook Status Updates:

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Facebook needs a “settle down” button you tap on a friend’s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately.
Stupidity: Running over a string 10 times with the vacuum cleaner, picking it up, looking at it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
Being ugly on the inside should change how you look on the outside.
Fast Food Steps: 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat
I hate that feeling when you wanna text someone, but you basically have nothing to say.
You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy a huge house and cry in any room you like.
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of shit. Loosen up already.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Most people don’t realize this… But, you can eat organic, gluten-free food without telling everyone about it.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it…..
Scenes from “The Exorcist” could have been filmed in my car while I’m stuck in traffic.
Letting someone in your life is like turning off the antivirus, downloading a file from the internet, installing it & hope it’s not a virus.
Do angry people know about naps?