Godzilla IRL, Feeling Husky, and 20 Clever Status Posts

Editorial Team

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Happy Monday, share these…

20 Clever Facebook Status Posts:

Please come back here and let me love you, weekend.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Do you think a stranger has ever wrote a status or tweeted about something you’ve done in public?
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you’re just like “That is you”
That awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
Whenever someone says they did something, “like a boss,” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Starbucks at 8am closely resembles the waiting room at a methadone clinic.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
If I woke up beside you every morning, I would be a morning person.
Love becomes weak if it is not strengthened by truth. Truth becomes hard if it is not softened by love.
The cashier told me “Strip down, facing me.” How was I to know she meant my debit card?
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.
So many good trailers; so few good movies.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
Somebody needs to invent an alarm clock that releases the smell of bacon.