Goats are Odd, Nah, and Status Updates for the Weekend

Editorial Team

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Spice up your weekend, share one of these…

Status Updates for the Weekend:

When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Do you ever just like flex your foot wrong and it cramps and you’re just like this is it, this is how it ends.
Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
A good portion of adulthood is waiting to go back to sleep.
That awkward moment when you’re reading a book and have to reread the same paragraph over and over cause your thoughts are too distracting.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
It’s amazing how your first day back to work can make you feel like you never had any time off at all.
Best thing about social networking is how it brings us all together so we can have lunch with our phone.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Ignorance is like sleep, your initial reaction is to be angry at the person who wakes you up.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I’m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything. It’s called the Irish flu shot.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
Before you make up your mind, open it.
Honestly guys, you would feel much better if you just asked her how many guys she COULD have slept with but didn’t.