Spice up your weekend, share one of these…
Status Updates for the Weekend:
- When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
- Do you ever just like flex your foot wrong and it cramps and you’re just like this is it, this is how it ends.
- Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
- A good portion of adulthood is waiting to go back to sleep.
- That awkward moment when you’re reading a book and have to reread the same paragraph over and over cause your thoughts are too distracting.
- How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
- 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
- It’s amazing how your first day back to work can make you feel like you never had any time off at all.
- Best thing about social networking is how it brings us all together so we can have lunch with our phone.
- Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
- Ignorance is like sleep, your initial reaction is to be angry at the person who wakes you up.
- You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
- These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I’m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
- If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
- When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
- Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything. It’s called the Irish flu shot.
- Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
- Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
- Before you make up your mind, open it.
- Honestly guys, you would feel much better if you just asked her how many guys she COULD have slept with but didn’t.
Goats are Weird (12 seconds):
It’s been awhile since I’ve actually laughed out loud on the internet. But, this did it for me.
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