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Funny Status Updates of the Day:
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average. (Courtesy of our 4.5-star Rated Funny Status Updates iPhone/iPod App)
- I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
- We’re gonna break the Facebook on Mother’s Day with Your Mom jokes, aren’t we?
- The subject line starts “Fwd: Re: Fwd: RE: RE: Re: “, so there’s no way this isn’t a complete waste of time.
A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
- I just spent several seconds trying unsuccessfully to delete a comma. Turns out somebody sneezed it onto the computer screen.
- I hope we’re past the point in naval technology where loose lips still have the potential to sink ships.
- I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car’s horn to sound like gunfire. ツ (Source: Funny Status Update Fan Page)
- BBC News: Man is killed by wave. Jeeez, how big was the other guy’s hand!?
- “Son of a bitch, what are you doing? I just brought you that.” (most dogs during fetch)
- When writing a resume, it’s much more valuable to say you are an expert at “replicate and re-purpose functionality” than “copy and paste.”
- The first step is admitting you’re a problem.
Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
- That awkward moment when you start telling a story & you realize no one’s listening, so you slowly fade out & pretend you never said anything.
- The greatest trick Skynet ever pulled was convincing the world it didn’t change its name to Google.
- People like to put words in your mouth, predictive-text likes to put words in your phone.
- Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? (VIA our Tweeter:@FreeFunnyStuff )
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