Working Sucks, Fake Lie Detector, & 20 Clever Status Updates

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Make someone blow a little air out of their nose, share one of these..

There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
me: ok I’ll study at 8:00
clock: 8:00
me: *pretends I didn’t see*
I just want to lie in bed and not participate in life.
Having read receipts on your iPhone is the quickest way to ruin a relationship.
Some days are just not meant to be productive.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
Study tip:
• Stand up
• Stretch
• Take a walk
• Go to the airport
• Get on a plane
• Never return
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
I’d rather be abroad.
No pants are the best pants.
Need a half hour of quiet time? Ask her for a selfie.
I can’t figure out if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who’s not interested.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
My Wife is also my ex-girlfriend.
When a browser asks “Would you like to remember this password?” there ought to be a button that says “Only if it works”.
The only time you would say a vacuum sucks is when it doesn’t.