Extra Weight, Dog Joy, and Awe-Inspiring Funny Statuses

Make Monday Count, Share These…

20 Awe-Inspiring Funny Facebook Statuses:

  1. Don’t judge me just because I sin differently than you.
  2. Some people need a high five… in the face … with a chair.
  3. Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you’re so damn funny.
  4. Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
  5. When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
  6. I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
  7. I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
  8. Cop: You been drinking? Me: No. Cop: Say the alphabet backwards. Me: Alphabet the. Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter. Me: Each letter.
  9. It’s DUCT tape, not DUCK tape. Now fuct off.
  10. My internet goes out more than I do.
  11. You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
  12. I always turn my fan on high so I can still sleep with a blanket.
  13. One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you. Disadvantage: Sex does. Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
  14. I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
  15. When one door closes another one opens. Or you could jut re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
  16. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it before.
  17. Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy. Me: I know, right? Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence. Me: High-5. Me: Word.
  18. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon….
  19. When I was little I didn’t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious that my parents didn’t care either.
  20. See, I was born and raised in western Philadelphia. As a kid, I spent a lot of time on the playground, mostly playing basketball near the school I attended. It was great for the most part, until the day a group of troublemakers embarked on a campaign of ill-will the likes of which my neighborhood had never seen. I did my best to stand up for the rest of the community, getting in just a single fight, but my mother disapproved of my actions and decided to get me away from the Philadelphia lifestyle; she was sending me to the other side of the country to live with my aunt and uncle. My last act in Philly was to whistle for a taxi. Normally I would just toss my hand in the air and flag one down, but seeing as I had never used a whistle to hail a cab, and that this was most likely my last chance, whistle I did. As luck would have it, the driver didn’t mind taking me all the way to California. Combined with the vanity plate that read “fresh” and the rear view mirror dice, I would say it was a pretty rare cab. For the slightest of seconds I considered passing up on this particular ride, but I shook off my feelings and told the driver to take me to the Bel Air community in Los Angeles. We finally reached my new home sometime in the evening, around seven or eight if I had to put a number on it. I told the cab driver I would smell him later and balked at the $6,279 I owed him for the ride. He didn’t seem to mind and drove away without a word. That was odd, but instead of thinking about that, I turned to see my kingdom. Finally, I had reached my destiny: to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel Air.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Dog Almost Passes Out From Not Seeing His Owner for 2 Years…

Wow! Dogs really are the best, no doubt about it.

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