Happy Monday, Share one of these..
20 Quality Facebook Status Updates:
- Shortest Horror Story Ever: Monday
- I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an “I Heart Murder” t-shirt before I’d pick up a call from a blocked number.
- A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine … Well, I bought wine.
- If there was an award for the dumbest f*cking way to possibly do something, my boss would win all the awards ever.
- To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
- Where have you been all my life?? Please go back there.
- You can assume that, for the next 2 weeks, there is Baileys in every cup of coffee I drink.
- That awkward moment when you’re over at someone’s house and they offer you food but you don’t know how much to take.
- I’ve been at the mall since 6:00 am just pulling my car in and out of the same parking spot.
- You know what’s funny? Lots of shit so lighten the fuck up.
- My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
- Shouldn’t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It’s like we work there for a little while.
- I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
- Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
- The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
- When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
- If you zoom into the background on your selfies you can see your dignity disappearing into the distance.
- Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am? Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and… Cop: You’re free to go.
- Some days you can’t play the music loud enough.
- I’ll bet I’m the only one in this grocery with “shit for tacos” on my shopping list.
Excited Puppy Spots Owner:
That’s so adorable! Dogs are awesome 🙂 Share or like if you enjoyed.