Excited Puppy, Christmas List, and 20 Quality Facebook Status Updates

Editorial Team

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Happy Monday, Share one of these..

20 Quality Facebook Status Updates:

Shortest Horror Story Ever: Monday
I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an “I Heart Murder” t-shirt before I’d pick up a call from a blocked number.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine … Well, I bought wine.
If there was an award for the dumbest f*cking way to possibly do something, my boss would win all the awards ever.
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
Where have you been all my life?? Please go back there.
You can assume that, for the next 2 weeks, there is Baileys in every cup of coffee I drink.
That awkward moment when you’re over at someone’s house and they offer you food but you don’t know how much to take.
I’ve been at the mall since 6:00 am just pulling my car in and out of the same parking spot.
You know what’s funny? Lots of shit so lighten the fuck up.
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
Shouldn’t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It’s like we work there for a little while.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
If you zoom into the background on your selfies you can see your dignity disappearing into the distance.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am? Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and… Cop: You’re free to go.
Some days you can’t play the music loud enough.
I’ll bet I’m the only one in this grocery with “shit for tacos” on my shopping list.