Have You Ever Seen a Monkey Work a Vending Machine? (Video)

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I hate the part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
I forgot that my one friend was a vegan because he went a whole conversation without mentioning it.
The difference between running for President and working at McDonalds is that if you lie on your McDonalds application you’re disqualified.
The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.
Kids are like farts, you can only tolerate your own.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house…
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
Stuck in a generation where loyalty is just a tattoo, love is just a quote and lying is the new truth.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Before you start anything, learn how to finish it.
That “Like a boss” moment when you throw something in the trash and make it in.
I hate math… But I love counting money.