20 Funny Status Updates You Need to Know Today

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20 Funny Status Updates:

  1. Our kids will probably attend a middle school dance where the theme is “2010s”. They’ll wear Uggs and Twerk to “Call Me Maybe”.
  2. I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
  3. Common names for the devil: Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Finals Week.
  4. If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot…then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
  5. A good portion of adulthood is waiting to go back to sleep.
  6. You can’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
  7. I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
  8. Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
  9. When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this shit to a whole new level?”
  10. Everything has a price, but not everything has value.
  11. “The darndest things.” -kids
  12. I did as you said and saved the drama for my momma but now my mom wants to talk to your mom. I think you’re in trouble.
  13. Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
  14. Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a redheaded goth son named Ronald who did acid and talked to hamburgers and purple blobby things.
  15. The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
  16. Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
  17. Telling people that you’re on a juice cleanse is a really polite way of saying that you have severe diarrhea.
  18. I have high friends in places.
  19. Those stupid political guys need to stop arguing all the time. Can’t they see they are upsetting all my friends on Facebook?
  20. Please copy and paste this to your status if you’re constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their status. Many people won’t copy and paste this, but my truly sarcastic friends will copy and paste it, because they know this was copied and pasted from a dear friend in need of more stuff to copy and paste. And if you don’t copy and paste it, then this means you hate puppies and bacon. And if you hate bacon, the terrorists win.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

KittEh is so Crazzyy…

There is no explanation for what you just saw.

Dogs Play a Little Bluegrass:

Dueling Banjos never sounded so amazing.

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