Drought My Ass, Cap Gun, and Funny Thoughts for your Status Update.

Weekends never last long enough, make someone smile – share one of these…

Funny Thoughts for your Status Update:

  1. If you command me to do something that I was already planning on doing the chances of me doing that thing automatically drop to zero.
  2. Based on your eyebrows, you have no business giving anyone advice on life.
  3. If only I was given a dollar for every time I made myself look stupid in front of a cute person.
  4. “I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
  5. Food is my favorite. If I ever share it with you, then you’re pretty damn special.
  6. If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
  7. Nothing ruins the high of pay day quite like the low of bill pay day.
  8. Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
  9. I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
  10. Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
  11. Why “Trojan” condoms? Didn’t the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.
  12. “Tyler Perry presents: Tyler Perry in Tyler Perry’s Tyler Perry.”
  13. The odds that you’d ever exist were 1 in 10^2685000. You are a miracle – and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
  14. Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.
  15. “It’s a long story.” – people who don’t want to talk about whatever you just asked about.
  16. Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
  17. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
  18. Netflix is like meth for people who hate doing things.
  19. I don’t understand why people get angry someone breaks up with them by text. I used to break up with people by just never talking to them again.
  20. It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn’t go out of business or something.

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Drought My Ass…

Every year there’s a drought. Ya, right! Ignore this dirt I’m drinking 😉

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