Dog Brakes, Never Learn, and Ingenious Facebook Statuses

Finally Friday, share one of these…

20 Ingenious Facebook Statuses:

  1. You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
  2. Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
  3. I HATE when people put up vague statuses saying how much you hate someone else but not going into full detail or giving out names……you know who you are.
  4. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
  5. You shouldn’t date a girl just because she’s beautiful, date a girl because she makes your world beautiful.
  6. This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
  7. I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
  8. Sorry the relationship everyone thought was the worst decision of your life has ended.
  9. I’m not nodding to say yes about your idea….The voices in my head are agreeing with me that you’re an idiot.
  10. Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
  11. Whenever someone spells something wrong, I always look to see if the two letters are close on the keyboard.
  12. What you’re doing is creepy. Oh you’re attractive? Then it’s totally adorable.
  13. eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03”.
  14. Listen, you can keep retaking all the pictures you want but that’s just what your face really looks like.
  15. 1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
  16. My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
  17. The only people who don’t click “Skip” on ads before YouTube videos are people who died during that ad.
  18. If you’re an adult, please don’t kiss your parent on the lips, you’re creeping everyone out.
  19. Confidence is silent, insecurities are loud.
  20. A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. ‘Not a chance,’ says the husband, ‘it is 3:00 in the morning!’He slams the door and returns to bed. ‘Who was that?’ asked his wife. ‘Just some drunk guy asking for a push,’ he answers. ‘Did you help him?’ she asks. ‘No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”Well, you have a short memory,’ says his wife. ‘Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!’ The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello, are you still there?’ ‘Yes,’ comes back the answer. ‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out the husband. ‘Yes, please!’ comes the reply from the dark. ‘Where are you?’ asks the husband. ‘Over here on the swing,’ replied the drunk.

Yesterdays Status Updates…

Amazing Dog Brakes:


Whoa, that Dog has better brakes than my car. Hilarious 🙂

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