Dog Balancing Act, Choose Life, and 20 Playful Facebook Statuses

FunnyStatus Team

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Make someones Tuesday, share one of these…

20 Playful Facebook Statuses:

If I tell you I love you, can I keep you forever?
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
It’s messed up that you can accidentally make a person but you can’t accidentally make a pizza.
I like women like I like my beer, Unfiltered.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator.
Someone just named their son Kale. Probably a baby Quinoa too.
The instructions for my funeral are for someone to come up front at the end and padlock my coffin shut just to freak everyone out.
Go f*ck yourself is easily the most solid piece of advice that I can give you.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
The year is 2089. Toasters are made clear now and no one burns toast or bagels. Crime is at 0%
You can stop trying to drive me crazy. I’m honestly close enough to walk to it from here.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
I’m trying to kick dairy and now I’ve got the milk shakes.
Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.