Derpy Dog, Leadership, and Clever Status Updates

Make your weekend last longer, share these…

Clever Status Updates for Facebook or What’s App:

  1. Dear sneeze, If you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and leave.
  2. Girlfriend? That’s a funny way to say Netflix.
  3. I think too much at night.
  4. My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
  5. Remember: Single doesn’t always mean available and taken doesn’t always mean in love.
  6. Stop focusing on who wears the pants in the relationship… Relationships work best when no one is wearing pants.
  7. If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
  8. Ever had one of those days where everything goes according to plan and turns out great……yeah me neither.
  9. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
  10. Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what is wrong with you.
  11. At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
  12. All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
  13. Call me old fashioned, but I actually take love, sex and feelings seriously. why is it such a game to everyone else?
  14. Live today like it’s your last. But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.
  15. Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
  16. How has sound technology come so far & yet the McDonalds drive-thru still sounds like someone is farting into a walkie-talkie.
  17. If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
  18. Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
  19. My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
  20. Instead of telling my son that I walked to school uphill both ways in the snow with no shoes. I think I will have to tell him that I once had to use a dial up modem to connect to the internet, sometimes have to wait for a connection if I got a busy signal, if I was able to connect, I would have to listen to an awful noise, and once connected, pray no one in the house picked up the phone or else the connection would be lost. Kids today, they don’t know the hardships of yesteryear.

WittyStatus | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Derpy Dog Goes to Duane Reade…

LOL! Dat Tongue.

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