Defective Dog Siren, Before/After, and Good Statuses

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Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
What wine goes with Rice Krispies?
If you’re not a dog person, I’m not a you person.
Okay. If we get caught, pretend we don’t speak English!
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullshit.
I’m so glad there are directions on how to dry my hands on the dryer. Otherwise,I might’ve just wiped my wet hands on the person next to me.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers.
I’m willing to bet that more kisses begin with booze.
Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
My three favorite guys: Jack, Jim, Jose
Drinking beer doesn’t make you fat, It makes you lean …. against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.
When cops do that thing where they park side by side in an empty parking lot and talk for hours, that means they’re in love, right?
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
Wearing my robe backward and pretending that it’s a snuggie.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
Making mirrors look good, since 1985.
I might hate my period…but I’m glad I never have to hide a boner.
So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
The great thing about living in a small town is even if you don’t know what you’re doing someone else always does.