Being Single, Classic Joke, & Top 20 Weekend Status Updates

Make your weekend last longer, share one of these..

Top 20 Weekend Status Updates:

  1. Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
  2. Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hike-able mountain and no one went to check.
  3. I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
  4. I bet giraffes don’t even know what farts smell like.
  5. Whenever another one of my friends has a baby, I hold it close and whisper “You ruined everything”
  6. No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
  7. If I’ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven’t figured out you can watch porn at home… for free.
  8. To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
  9. Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
  10. Now taking applications for someone to cuddle with who will play with my hair and tell me I’m beautiful. Serious inquiries only.
  11. I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
  12. If someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 6 for $60 only”
  13. If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
  14. Talking with quiet confidence will always beat yelling with obvious insecurity.
  15. If a girl is really beautiful I end up complimenting her like I’m 5. You’re pretty. I like your hair. Neat shoes. Are you a princess? Hi.
  16. They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
  17. Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
  18. A relationship without trust is like a cellphone without service, you just play games.
  19. Text Flirting Tip: Don’t reply immediately. Play it cool, wait for a minute, then eventually forget to reply and ruin everything.
  20. When your hair won’t listen to you and it’s a mess and you’re just like ???? I grew you myself??? I gave you life and this is how you repay me??

Witty Status | Yesterdays Status Updates…

Classic Joke: So Rabbi , Priest , Black Guy, get on a plane..

Sometimes real life is stranger than fiction. The look on his face, LOL! Share/Like if you laughed.

Tons more status updates, funny pictures, and videos… On our Fan Page & Download our Free iPhone App. We’ll see you on Monday!