Make your weekend last longer, share one of these..
Top 20 Weekend Status Updates:
- Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
- Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hike-able mountain and no one went to check.
- I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
- I bet giraffes don’t even know what farts smell like.
- Whenever another one of my friends has a baby, I hold it close and whisper “You ruined everything”
- No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
- If I’ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven’t figured out you can watch porn at home… for free.
- To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
- Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
- Now taking applications for someone to cuddle with who will play with my hair and tell me I’m beautiful. Serious inquiries only.
- I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
- If someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 6 for $60 only”
- If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
- Talking with quiet confidence will always beat yelling with obvious insecurity.
- If a girl is really beautiful I end up complimenting her like I’m 5. You’re pretty. I like your hair. Neat shoes. Are you a princess? Hi.
- They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
- Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
- A relationship without trust is like a cellphone without service, you just play games.
- Text Flirting Tip: Don’t reply immediately. Play it cool, wait for a minute, then eventually forget to reply and ruin everything.
- When your hair won’t listen to you and it’s a mess and you’re just like ???? I grew you myself??? I gave you life and this is how you repay me??
Classic Joke: So Rabbi , Priest , Black Guy, get on a plane..
Sometimes real life is stranger than fiction. The look on his face, LOL! Share/Like if you laughed.
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