Make your friends laugh, share one of these…
20 Great Facebook Status Updates:
- Are the weeks getting longer?
- How I talk:
50% a combination of both
- How much whiskey goes into cookies? I’m new to this whole baking thing.
- I just asked my 8 year old to quit yelling and he said, “I’m NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I’ve been whispering. Now I’m free!”
- Texting “Good Morning, Beautiful” will change a girl’s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
- Dear World, Stop saying “twerk.”
- I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
- Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
- I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.
- If I could get a firm grip on reality…I’d probably choke it.
- How can I act normal when you can’t even define it?
- A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
- Hey guys, women prefer the strong, silent type. So next time you go to the gym, try and shut the f*ck up about it.
- The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
- The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
- Fear less, trust more; take less, give more; whine less, thank more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more.
- Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
- I sprayed Taylor Swift’s new perfume on me, then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby’s.
- Religion is like a buffet. People take what they like and ignore the rest.
- It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Christmas Traffic Stop:
It’s nice to see cops making a positive change in the community 🙂